Once upon a time, in the land of Highschoolia, in Upper
Lighthousical Academial,surrounded by the mountains of Mathematics, there was a
beautiful young junior named Matilda Joy. She was taking a frolic on a day, not unlike yesterday, in the month of March. She was armed, by order of the King of Highschoolia,
with her trusty Calculator. Since the Day of No Graduation, ten hundred years ago,
all young Highschoolians were required to train in the art of calculation – for
their own safety.
Matilda Joy
spent most of her time picking flowers for she greatly enjoyed making lotion. Mostly,
she liked smelling it but making the lotion had to come first.
As she
picked, she was unfaithful in her vows to the art of calculation and she did
not look where she was going. And before she knew it she had fallen into the
dreaded pit of the evilest troll in all of Highschoolia.
Needless to
say, Matilda Joy screamed a lot.
Several
weeks before, a different young junior had disappeared from her kingdom after escaping the hands of the Wizards of Teacherdom. Her name was Mary Anne and she had been
the very best friend of precious Matilda Joy. Matilda Joy had missed her so
much, she had invented a new lotion scent with Mary Anne’s name on it, in remembrance
of her best friend.
So she was
quite surprised, that at the end of the thirty six foot fall, she ran into Mary
Anne. Or rather, ran her into the ground. This saved Matilda Joy from any broken
appendages but Mary Anne was knocked quite unconscious.
Matilda Joy
jumped up in joy, screamed without words and fell to slapping her friend until
she regained consciousness. There was much happiness and embracing and a little
bit of a concussion on Mary Anne’s part but they were together again and that
was all that mattered.
Until the
stench of nine thousand rotting trigonometric functions reached their nostrils.
They began to tremble in their fancy slippers.
A dreadful,
grating, voice reached their ears.
“Whooooo
daaaares enterrrrr myyyyy domainnnnn.”
“Um… no one?”
suggested Matilda Joy. Mary Anne nodded, squeezing her eyes shut and wishing
for her fairy godmother. Mother Google did not appear.
What did
appear, was a huge troll with bright red eyes and a fearsome row of sharp
numbers lining his mouth.
“You’re a
troll…” Mary Anne whimpered. Both juniors began to cry as the evil being
confirmed their darkest fears.
“I am the
troll of Vile Trigonometrical Functionalia and this is my pit!” he cackled and
threw the two girls into a classroom full of all instruments of torture.
Suddenly, Matilda Joy remembered her trusty calculator!
With uncanny
precision she destroyed each problem on the Evil Troll Torture Board and left
the evil Troll frantically checking answers with a very broken pencil – it had
been so long since anyone had challenged him he had forgotten to sharpen it and
it had fallen into disrepair.
The two
juniors ran for their lives.
Once
outside, a beautiful sight left them breathless. A fine, musical rain was
falling – the perfect kind for kissing a handsome junior prince. But alas, none
were to be found. So they continued on their way.
Presently
Mary Anne said: “I say,
Matilda Joy, is that a marshmellow hanging from yonder tree?”
“I do
believe it is,” she exclaimed and they ran to the tree to discover what might
be the cause of such a thing. In their fascination they both forgot the second
rule of the art of calculation and as their masters rolled over in their
graves................ they misplaced their calculators.
An instant
later, the evil troll was upon them and threw them back into the classroom.
“Here you
will stay!” he shouted and showered them with geometry proofs. Mary Anne almost
melted into a puddle. Matilda Joy found slight comfort in the fact that she
could still smell her lotion.
After geometry
proofs came polynomial division and after that was the terror of parabolas…
until finally, the Troll waved an inconspicuous piece of paper in front of
their teary eyes.
It was a
trigonometry test.
Matilda Joy
could no longer smell her lotion. Mary Anne hid behind her hair and begged, pleaded and promised money if Mother
Google would just come save them.
But no one
appeared…
The troll
laughed and since he was the evilest troll in existence, it was the evilest
laugh ever to be heard within the land of Highschoolia. The two juniors were
doomed. They accepted their fate quietly, with folded hands and only a couple
hundred tears.
The troll
tore the paper in half and suddenly it became two sets of ten pieces of paper.
These he lay in front of the juniors.
“And now,
despair for I have sentenced you to – “
There was a
knock at the door. The troll growled. “Can’t it wait? I’m in the very best
part!”
The knocking
grew more desperate and the troll rolled his eyes, stalked to the door and
jerked it open.
“What,” he
snapped. And then he took a step back. And then another. And then another,
until the two juniors could what stood in the doorway.
There were
two young men wearing shining armor, calculators thrust forward in an experienced
fashion.
“I am Sir
Gluten and I am a Knight of the Pi Radius Squared table,” said the first young
man and he bravely began punching numbers into his calculator. The troll laughed.
~ ~ ~
To Be Continued...
*ahem* : This is what I do when I just really hate Trig. Which is pretty much always... but at the moment I hate it more than usual. It is an evil troll. That is all.
I absolutely love your writing and I hate most maths!
ReplyDeleteTotally engrossed in this...your writing reminds me of Garth Nix, brilliant observation and wit amongst pure fantasy! Love it.
Haha! I'm glad I'm not the only math hater out there. ;)
DeleteI've never read any of Garth Nix! I'll have to check him out. Thanks so much. :)
This is adorable. A.DOR.A.BLE.
ReplyDeleteI want to know what happens next!
Also, I am very familiar with that troll. That scar behind his left ear? Yep. I put that there.
Of course, I still walk with a gimpy leg from the encounter.....
More please!
He is the evilest troll in existence. It's surprising you got away with a gimp leg. O.o *bows of respect*
DeleteYay!!! I'll post more soon, I hope. :D